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This is not a Facebook relationship status but trust me, it’s complicated.

Embarking on the minefield which is Latin dating can be riddled with uneven paths and furious explosions as well as tears, suffering and angst. No way, José – I was married to an Argentine for nine years and could be the person to get you clambering over the initial hurdles with some first dating tips.

Knock back two pints of Dutch courage to call, indulging her in an ego massage and putting your own vulnerable pride and linguistic skills on the line.

Warning one: texts invariably “don’t” arrive when it’s convenient for them not to. Like a river, every twist and turn brings about a new drama or excuse so brace yourself for a rocky ride, and don‘t be surprised if the object of your obsession already has a media naranja.

I went for coffee with a former colleague in London. I was left with a Starbucks-shaped logo on my forehead.

In Buenos Aires I rarely pay for coffee, a cocktail or dinner – unless I’m out with a foreign guy – and my forehead remains logo-free.

Remember you are in their world and it is likely that your behaviour is unusual or unexpected.

One girl tried to stab a French-Canadian friend with scissors; another story involved a gay Satan worshipper picked up at San Telmo’s Sunday fair, who was later found to have a net hanging above his bed.

Who knows how many unsuspecting gringos have been caught up in his web?

Warning two: many Argentine women give booze a wide berth so perhaps coffee and a cupcake is a better first-date option… Always have a plan B to accommodate for forgotten birthday parties and cousins’ graduations when the inevitable last-minute bailout message arrives.

Come up with your own “must-go-to” house warming bash mid-date and see how they like the tables being turned. Conversely, the ones you wouldn’t touch with that giant broom are persistent. Over dinner, the guy called her four times, with nothing relevant to say. Asking foreigners about dating Argentines offered up a huge amount of feedback but there are principally two lines: dates from hell and those with happy endings.

"Victor called me to say that he couldn't get home because of the curfew, that he loved me and urged me to stay home and take care of the girls," she said.

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